Which way's the bleach?

The laundromat. What better time for an update.  It’s been a few months I think, since whenever I started writing the most recent abstract for a conference that doesn’t even happen until I’ve already graduated and moved on. Also great timing because a dude just started telling me how he accidentally used bleach instead of detergent on all his clothes..

”Oh, that’s terrible”

“Yeah I was just—

*laptop lid opens*

—doing my thing and then looked at the bottle and went ‘hey that’s not right, uh oh, that’s bad!’”

“Brutal”

“My wife is gonna kill me!”

“Ooo, well it’s a race then.”

The guy was actually normal enough, I just haven’t interacted with many people in the last couple weeks so I had a little – earmuffs – displaced anger.

If you’ve wondered what I’ve been up to (just pretend) I’ve spent the last three days (months?) sitting at a desk with Microsoft Excel and coffee and bad thoughts.  Due date after due date and I’m still 30 years away from having kids.  But I’ve been eating at the pizza joint right next door to save time so I’ve definitely been feeling the labour pains. If George Michael reached under the stall I would’ve held his hand for comfort without even considering the repercussions. Just wake me up after you go-go, George.

Where was I? Right, the Laundromat. In fact I’m still here. Sitting by the window and getting a righteous tan on my right arm, which is the one that never gets to rest outside the window when I drive. I guess life has a nice way of balancing out. I thought about just going tarp-off in here to get my real Jersey Shore on, but a guy across the room was taking a little too long finding the change in his pocket as he looked my way. And we’ve already had one dude accidentally bleach his clothes.

Speaking of stains, I feel like there’s one on my reputation for not updating this as regularly as I always say I will. I’m checking right now to see when my last post was and it says January 6 – pretty weak – but also pretty indicative of how exciting my life has been. Hell, I’ve been hunched over a desk so much I’m not sure if I should be running stats or ringing bells. 

image

Contrary to poker, I think a flush beats everything.

The good part about research is that by definition it entails searching for something at least twice, thus increasing the odds of finding it, right? Which is all well and good. But the bad part is that someone has to do it. And by that I mean someone has to get someone to do it, who then turns to the person beside them and gets them to do it, who then turns to the person beside them and gets them to do it, who then turns to the – shit, it’s a wall, guess I’m doing it. They call it a hierarchy around here, which makes sense because hierarchy sounds like hieroglyphics and hieroglyphics are in pyramids and pyramids are in pyramid schemes and built by slaves.

But alas, this isn’t what I meant to type, I was just rolling with it while the Bleach Boys yapped and fapped away, respectively. Disrespectfully. Erect fully.

Ok, timeline. I’ve gotta be quick if I expect anyone to read the rest.

January: Pretty cold.

February: tough to pronounce properly. Like nuclear when we all say nucyalur.

March: high knees.

April: April showers bring May flowers. But the way my boss was treating me I was expecting May golden flowers à la R. Kelly.

May: I haven’t been familiar with this term lately.

June: Lunch time in Israel?

Actually this month I’ve taken up yoga, for several reasons, not least of which are to supplement my lack of research assistant income by working at the desk and to help rehab a bulging disc in my back, though I always thought it was considered beautiful to be symmetrical, even front-to-back..

I guess that’s enough of an update so I can start getting back on the weekly schedule with this thing. Although given the readership I’ve probably just been texting all three of you this stuff while it was happening anyway.  Maybe I need to get more creative with the hashtags so other people will stumble upon this. Maybe I just need more hash.

Also, if someone would dare to ask a question with the “ask me something interesting” button on the side, 

I’ll explain the recent U.S. road trip and wedding when I have the–WHEN I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT.

Also, if someone would dare to ask a question with the “ask me something interesting” button on the side, I’ll find a way to work it in to the next post and work you into my heart.

(You’ll get further into my heart with hash).

(You’ll get much lower than my heart with cash).

One love.

-Bob