(from November 20, 2013)
Look, guys, and look, girls, it’s hard to see a spider web despite its awesome strength and silky smooth texture, but my moustache is still there, I swear. Just give it a try; first ride’s on me, as are the rest, for this is about physics). Now, I may not have any visible bristle above my whistle but my strands are stronger than the bars of a jail cell, and my willingness to have my cavern inspected rivals that of the men in said jail cells. I mean, don’t get the wrong idea, I don’t actually enjoy squeezing a small arm into my water wing, but it is a just cause. This is your health; this can keep you alive. It’s worth it in the/your end. Just don’t over-think it… I once watched a shark attack documentary the night before I went surfing, and that wasn’t the best idea, so stay away from those National Geographic shows before you get the hand on your gland, especially those ones where the UN drops food from cargo planes.. cause we all know you may experience some similar post-exam thug denim, also known as loose butt. However, this too shall pass (very quickly via the loose butt) and you’ll be assuring your healthy status for the next while, which ought to ease your mind like a loose butt.
Just consider that you’re not only doing this for your own health; you’re doing this for others as well. Getting tested and talking to others about getting themselves tested is a huge step in the right direction. And who cares if your southern kitchen only makes baked potatoes instead of french fries for a few hours. Variety is the spice of life. And you’ve just experienced the doc’s fists of curry.
The reality: since the Movember campaign has recently championed mental health, today’s number is 24. Twenty-four percent of deaths among people 24 or younger are from suicide, and this is despite lower rates of reported depression among young men. This is a sobering statistic, and I’m sure we all know at least one person who falls in this category; I do from this year alone. Realize that you can play a huge role in getting others to speak up when something’s wrong. Remember that the unimportant things you say to others affect their willingness to say important things to you.
Of course, let us not forget the ladies in all of this, though they are the real beneficiaries of our magnificent face brushes. There are still many important causes out there in need of support and public dialogue; this just happens to be the one I’m currently assisting (the term is used liberally).
Accordingly, I’ll make sure to chop off my mo’ at the end of the month and donate it to the less-fortunate i.e. to those poor, sorry, I mean porn, stars who got a little too happy with the razor and need a last-minute landing strip. After all, they know all too well the feeling of the exam which we men undergo anal-oops-annually. So you’re welcome, men who like a little variety on the PPV channels. And my apologies, women who thought I was going to continue with a respectable level of seriousness.
As a great man once said while sitting in a diner in Dumb and Dumber: “Check his ass, Sea Bass!”
Or something like that.
One love y’all.