Take The Long Way Home and Find Supertramps.

It’s Independence Day in ‘Merica; fireworks and fun and unfortunately I have to head home before I get the chance to shoot someone and drink weak beer. I was excited for this ride ONLY because the weather was supposed to be better. I planned a different route so that I could see Banff and Calgary and then blast through the northern U.S. to save time getting home. Still, leaving is a bummer. Though, as you know by now, I don’t feel bummers.

I parted from the Den at around nine a.m. and went downtown to look for a certain local store on my way out. Big mistake: construction, one-way streets, no GPS mount on the bike, and no parking. But, Resilient Rob figured it out and made it to the place at only 9:30ish. Not open till 11. Goddamn hippies.

So I aimed for the highway from there and I’ll be damned, I aimed wrong. About thirty minutes later I was out of town. I was pretty pumped about the new GoPro mount on the engine guard of the bike (see the ferry photo a few posts below), but it turned out quite poorly. The footage is awesome, but the mount got a case of the shakes and pulled a banana and split down the middle (see damage below – hey, another Stephen Hawking line!). Next thing I know I’m watching in my mirror as a $400 lemming is suiciding itself down the Trans-Canada. Note to self: duct tape that shit; no free camera tether is ever going to save the day. It’s a shame it wasn’t recording (I guess I could’ve come up with a better story since I don’t have to prove it to you).

Anyway, after the sasquatch stole the camera from my velvet suit jacket during the descent of my handstand mountain climb, I beat him in a best-of-seven chess series and won it back, along with his favourite polka-dot pajamas. Rob 1, Squatch 0. It’s true, I just didn’t have the camera on.

So I had to switch to my cell phone camera to tape the crime scene approach. No signs of life. The case was a little mangled, but the camera inside looked decent. I think it was damaged internally by the impact. Coup-contrecoup eh Garry Lapenski? Too bad that camera wouldn’t “be safe.”

It almost feels like a waste making a reference that only five people will understand. But that’s all I do anyway, and it’s barely-skidded-diaper.

Why change it?

Thus, I am now without camera (So he says, “What are ya gonna do about it?” So I said to him,”Whatever’s necessary.” “I am speechless! I am without speech!”) and I was just about to ride through the mountains near Banff on a warm day with no rain. Woe is me. But it was worth it in the end because that day my cell phone, computer, and camera (you  know about the camera, yes?) all died and I got to ride with no film checklist or itinerary through one of the most scenic stretches in all of Canada. The Northern Downward Dog, one might call it.

It’s funny that I thought it was a great day just based on it not raining until after 9pm let alone the no-pressure vibe of it all. Sorry you won’t see it on the final video, but I’m claiming that some things you just have to see for yourself. Fuck it, I’m not making a video at all, just go do what I did. Live a little and love it a lot. You won’t regret it. Butt-hurt and all.

I cruised through the mountains and it was amazing. As 9pm rolled around, I had to stop to put on the rain gear and restore gluteal circulation. The rain wasn’t terrible, but the cold could harden even Eskimo nipples.

On top of that, the lightening started and I still had to make it out of the national park before I could park for the night, how ironic. I thought, if I have to put one more layer on to keep warm, I’m just going to start picking off roadside wildlife until I find a carcass big enough to go Bear Grylls camping.

When I got to Canmore I was soaked and frozen and grabbed the first hotel I could find. Every part of me was relieved except for my wallet, or maybe it was also relieved to have less to carry; it essentially gave birth to a future diabetic kid, though it cost me way more than 12 pounds. Bollocks, innit?

And with that, it’s time to take a warm ass shower followed by a rest-of-body shower. Have to prioritize based on remaining sensation.

Sleep warm ya prissy punks. Love you.