It's been raining, boys and girls.

Watch out for pedos who don’t use commas.

I’m surprised I didn’t have to pull the raindrops out of my face with tweezers. I mean, obviously that’s not plausible; I AM a scientist and all. The “all” is the exciting part..

(yesterday)

Just pulled into the hotel after a chilly night on the half-car. All but one gas station was closed and there were three straight hotels with no vacancy. What is this, Bethlehem? Jesus! needs to be born. That McDonalds isn’t sitting well.

Nope, because like Scooby-Doo always says, I rove being in Regina!

Wow, down boy.

I swear the movie I rented at the hotel was PG.

Pretty Godawful. Decent acting, but terrible product. The typical bar scene these days.

Speaking of beer goggles, I need some tinted contacts instead of these sunglasses so I can get my normal face back. I look like I got too close sniffing the red Mr. Sketch. !’m 99% Greek and the Irish 1% is the bridge of my nose.

Unfortunately (though this has been a pretty positive post thus far…) the two best rides of the day both went unfilmed. The first was winding through the lakes between Thunder Bay and Winnipeg… I had to get gas in the next town so I figured I could set up the camera there but after the next town the road strayed from the lakes. The second ride was the one where I learned to tilt one rear view mirror so I could see the red light on the camera. Guess I wasn’t recording. I guess life is telling you do do this trip on your own. You won’t regret it.

But hey, good news to finish this off! The third hotel I found wasn’t already full AND the charming guy at the desk delivered this beauty: “Y’know, maybe I’ll just come outside with ya and check that door to make sure it actually locks. We’ve had some trouble with it and the person who had it booked cancelled last minute.” My word, you stud, you had me at “y’know.”

(today)

I left the hotel around 11, surprisingly with all of my limbs attached, and hit the road to Sasky.

The worst part about the rain today was that no matter how well I covered up, there were still pesky drops getting through to the inner layers. Sex joke.

I think all my legs shrunk from the water/wind combo. Maybe I’ll fit into those new skinny jeans that they’re now calling “jeans.” And you thought there were only problems with girls’ body image! I have wide feet too, and YOU want me to wear Pumas? Unless you want to see a carcass on each foot, we’ve got an issue.  

Wait, and REGULAR condoms?

 

I made a few stops to fill the tank, sip some java, and seal the worst leaks in the rain gear. Other than that it was a pretty solid day of riding, Very little footage though on account of the rain and frozen hands not working the camera very well. I did manage to swing by a buddy’s hometown and make a video driving tour (the Real Peterman Tour?) of it just for a little break. I was only 40 minutes from Edmonton anyway and that was the goal for the day. Worst case Ontario would be driving through small towns looking for hotels when you’re so close to a national park that you just know you’ll end up camping with no gear And bears! Not good when I’ve still got peanut butter in my nether regions eh Lowry?

(I’m the fifth wheel in my house so I’ve taken a jar of peanut butter as my lover. Not that you were asking. It’s great, things are going so well. She’s about to meet my grains family; dad and nom, etc.)

On another positive note, it only took four hotels to find one with vacancy! And that includes me walking into the Hilton forgetting it was expensive, and when the said they were full I went “shit, good! Good! Oops, bad, but kinda good.”

Hopefully tomorrow I can tour around Jasper (calling for good weather!) and then get within a few hours of Vancouver. I’m ridiculously pumped to get there and do outdoor everything, despite the massive amounts of butt-hurt going on from working at a vibrating desk 12 hours a day for four days. If you’re snorkeling in Van next week and see a beige lillypad, don’t touch it; it’s my butt and I’m soothing it in the water.

McMuffins, McCafés, and big ass McMountains in the morning! It’s gonna be a hell of an experience on the bike; pretty stoked to film it all too.

I think Hemingway once said, “No man ever made it to a place worth being without a great deal of butt-hurt.”

Pretty sure it was him.