Lipshtick: Hair-Raising Fundraising Pt. 3

(from November 30, 2013)

The last day of Movember is upon us yet I’ve certainly added no beauty to this beast. You’d need a pretty damn bright Lumière to see my Cogsworth ‘stache.

You’re welcome for giving you a reason to go re-watch that awesome movie. 

Our team would like to give a huge thanks for everyone’s support, and despite a very weak campaign on my part, I’d still like to thank my lone donor. My apologies to mypenis for stealing its nickname. Luckily it has about fifteen others, isn’t that right my Lancet of Lust? Together our five-man team raised a total of $515 for men’s health awareness. It didn’t feel like 30 days of effort, mainly because yesterday’s celebration effectively deleted 24 hours of memory; it certainly felt like a good 29-days’ effort. 

As a team we dismissed ridicule, pursued the fairer sex with full confidence, succeeded with 4.3% of pursuits, pursued some more, succeeded less, grew some devastatingly devastating moustaches, and resumed pursuit. All in all it was a typical month of worldly activism for the uOttawa Human Kinetics Grad Crew/Crew de Grad de Kinetics de Human d’U d’Ottawa, collectively known as Movember’s “He-Man Woman Haters.” Though given our satisfied customers and stellar bilingualism (see above/ voir le above), you can go ahead and pronounce Haters with a silent ‘H.’

Yes, I went there. And “yes” was said. Our team knows it well, as the famous commercial goes: “Hungry, why wait? Grab a Moustache for giggles and Snickers.” That version of the commercial only aired on HBO.

Anyway, one last shout-out to Michael Douglas. If only that silly man had known that moustaches filter out all the nonsense he was worried about. Human baleen is a Movember fact. And so, disgruntled wife, call me if you’re still Zeta-Jonesing for some Hollywood and I’d be glad to try my Sean Connery accent in your Entrapment.

…Welp, obviously one final apology is in order for all of those easily offended readers out there who’ve spent the month putting up with my vile Instagram mouth’s #nofilter.

Now to thank my team of beauties. In no particular order, other than alphabetical: Brent, Jared, Neil, and Scotty. You all are carriers of cause, faces of fame, and men amongst boys, y’know, in the good way. I can’t strand to say goodbye, but we’ve only eleven more months to ‘stache our testosterone away before next year’s campaign. And fear not, my friends, for in the meantime we can kick back, relax, and let our southern locks flow for the winter cold. Now I bet that feels good, doesn’t it?

Time to toupee those narwhals.

And in the spirit of feeling good, I’ll leave you with some advice from the great OJ Simpson:

“Sorry babe, the glove just doesn’t fit.” There, now you can get off easily.

Until next time,

Thanks, folks.