The only thing better than friends is seinfeld

Up to this point I’ve found a school, a supervisor, and a house. The trifecta for people without friends. So, how do I acquire those friend things to complete the quadfecta? This presents quite a challenge. (Or “this presented”? Since it’s supposed to be written as it happens, but I’m doing that retroactively, I’m getting confused about which tense to use. Like a teenager starting to enjoy himself but still being afraid to break it..

 I’m taking his advice and settling on going back and forth as I please. Worked for him.

*For the record, I have not talked to any fondling teen.

 I’ve only listened eagerly.

Right, so the trifecta was complete, sans friends of course. But since I’m not a teenager, I figured I’d need some friend-types to fill my time.

Orientation day arrived around September 1rd, somewhere in those few days. The very first thing I realized was that a ton of these people knew each other already. Bastards!

“Hey Rob!”

Wait…who’s that?

“I didn’t know you were coming here!” said one of three absolute beauties from Western. (I didn’t know their beauty status yet, or that they would be in the orientation, or that they had any clue who I was.)

I’d only met the speaker before (but they all eventually spoke) and it was under strange circumstances that she might still not know. I was at a Hallowe’en party in London with mutual friends and one buddy had a topless outfit on, so, as I was sober as a judge who passed the wrong bar exam, I interrupted his conversation by circling the answer. The pencil being my finger and the answer being his nipple. This is all to say that this beauty dudette noticed my actions, looked me right in the eye, and said “um, that’s too far” and walked away.

And that’s that.

The next time we spoke was at orientation and it took everything in me to not bring it up. But imagine if I’d reenacted it without using a guy…the whole “friends” thing would’ve fallen apart like an attempted 11th season.

To be honest, I don’t know how I remembered that encounter at all. There was nothing outstanding about that damned nipple.

Here’s the beauty we’re speaking of:


(No, silly.. the one on the right!)

(I did her hair, and that’s not code)

Fast-forward to the future

Someone just brought me an outstanding homemade cupcake. It’s unreal.

OK, back to the past

Man I want a cupcake.

OKAYY, the right point in the past

I really lucked out by having the Western connection in my program. It gave a good kick-start to the social process, cause, you know, I don’t really like talking to people.. it also gave me the ability to borrow their clothes, as if I didn’t already have enough Western sweats. The lulus were a new experience. All up on that gym glute machine for a few weeks after my first outing.

Anyway, the orientation day wasn’t anything to write home about, so I told my parents not to read this, but by the end of the day, team UWO had somehow managed to recruit a few other good humans, and by the end of it all (yes, I mean the end of the day again, I’m double concluding, call me, I’ll show you how…) we drank our faces off and called it a success.

FYI, for all of the team building exercises out there, I don’t know why face-off-drinking isn’t the number one pick. I mean, it’s even the ‘number one’ cause...

What makes it so good? Let me goshdarn tell you why, you inquisitive beauty, you:

  1. You learn who can support others, physically while they weeble wobble, and emotionally while they bawl about boyfriends (you might also sense a business opportunity here, you commerce maverick!)
  2. You learn who can rally (“puke and rally” is the business term, but I’ve streamlined it for public acceptance purposes)
  3. You learn who can negotiate with other businessmen by convincing cabbies to let the puking person ride, while also learning to reject bad deals like when someone on the street shouts “Hey, fuck you!” and you reply “No, fuck YOU!” – that’s negotiation at its finest, folks.
  4. You weed out the weak (i.e. you get them high and they become joyous beings) (insert maverick comment again..) *I was once that joyous being..if I remember later, I’ll tell ya about it.. oh my strange sensations, Batman, I hope I remember to tell you.
  5. You learn who can attract business from members of the opposing team (Trump would pronounce it “wheeling” then “You’re TIRED! Let me go on top for a bit”)
  6. You get your first few arguments out of the way and no longer need to act like it’s all syrupy pancakes in the business kitchen.
  7. Finally, your next day of interaction is almost better than the previous night because you get to relive it all with hazy memory twists and the suspense of not knowing if one of the stories will involve you. *Never assume it will, just enjoy the surprise. *When you find out it does involve you, you’ve immediately made everyone else’s day better because they know they’re fallible yet not the worst in the league. It’s a hell of a good strategy. You’re welcome. And I apologize for the sensitivity training you’ll have to attend afterwards.


That’ll be $75 please.

Coach Little has to save up for the next team-building event(s) on Friday(Saturday)

Clearly we’ve got a strong-ass team here. (Literally, for one member…)